In His Mind

 

He sat in the wicker chair staring out the large plate-glass window into the busy street. He drummed on the white linen covered café table with his left hand as he rested his chin on his right. His mind filled with thoughts as he sat there oblivious to the world around him. He kept asking himself “What on earth could she possibly want to say that was this urgent”? In his mind he could only come up with one logical reason, and that was she was planning to leave him. That had to be it. It was the only thing that made sense to him. As he continued to think, he came to the conclusion that if she was leaving him, it would have been entirely his fault. After all, he couldn’t blame her for his actions or lack thereof.

She had called him that morning at his office and with a sense of anguish and sadness she asked if he would meet her at the Italian deli across from his work. She told him that she knew how busy he was but that she needed to see him and it was terribly important. She rarely disrupted his day at work and even then, most times she waited until he would get home. The sadness and pensive tone in her voice had left him unsettled and must have been because this would be difficult for her. He was certain that’s what it was. He was certain in his mind that she had made up hers.

As his mind continued to race, so did his pulse. He felt light-headed and a bit disconnected. His hands grew cold and he could feel beads of sweat starting to form on his brow. He tried to swallow and couldn’t. He could feel the sentiments inside him becoming overwhelming and his eyes became difficult to see through from the tears forming. He felt regret and remorse more than anything because he knew in his mind that he could have prevented this. He could have stopped this long before it began.

He had never mistreated her in any way. But he knew he couldn’t say in his heart that he hadn’t taken her for granted or hadn’t treated her like the woman she deserved to be treated as; and this in itself was just as bad of a form of mistreatment. It wasn’t her fault in the slightest. Somewhere between that day on the train when they first met and now, this very moment, he had changed. He had become someone different. Maybe a shadow of his former self. Something had changed in him and he was aware of it. He was under the false impression that he was doing this all for them, their future, and their dreams. But in that instant he knew he was wrong, and he sat there replaying every single time in his mind that he could have done things differently. Every single time that one simple gesture could have shown her all that he felt and wanted to say to her.

All it would have taken was a simple act from him. All he had to do was lift his head from his work when she would walk into the study to ask if he needed anything so she could see the love and appreciation in his eyes as he said “No thank you”. He could have told her how lovely she looked in each new outfit that she would wear, because it was true. Only she could make everything seem elegant and refined. When they walked into a restaurant, he could have put his hand on her back to show how proud he was to be there with such a magnificent creature. So every man there could see that he was the one fortunate enough to be with her. He could have left notes with his feelings written upon them in places she would be sure to find them. Such as on the windowsill where she would place her wedding ring, on the only occasion she would take it off; or by her brush on her vanity where she would sit and do her hair while staring at him with a smile in the mirror as he dressed.  But he hadn’t, and it wasn’t for lack of time or ideas. He simply had no excuse, no excuse at all.

Of course it could have been grander reasons behind her wanting to leave him. Maybe if he had converted the extra room into a studio for her to work in as she had asked many years ago, she would have seen how much he valued her and how much we loved her work. Perhaps he could have taken her back to that café in Paris where they went on their honeymoon. The café where when the check came he looked at her and said “Someday… Someday I will bring you back here and you’ll be able to have whatever you want and we won’t have to worry about how much it costs”. That day had come so long ago, but the return trip never did. He had forgotten all those vows and promises he had made to her; to love her, show her and remind her. To build her dreams and fulfill her hearts wishes. In his mind and heart he knew he had failed her.

There was no reasoning inside his mind. She was right to do what he knew she would. Just then, in a matter of seconds, his life with her flashed before him. But what was unbearable was the thought of what his life was before her and what it would be without her. He was unfinished when he met her. She had been the missing piece in his puzzle and had filled more than just a void. She had given him reason. She had become his greatest inspiration and most valued treasure. She had been his strength when any man would have been weak and defeated. She had given him the best of her and in return she had never wanted anything, just his love. Now he faced a future without her. A future that couldn’t even come to pass without her.

What kind of future would it be? He couldn’t see a day when he wouldn’t wake up and reach for a coffee mug and see her lipstick stains on the rim. He couldn’t begin to imagine those times when he would wake in the middle of the night and gaze at her under the light of the moon, thinking to himself that she was what God intended angels to be. He didn’t want to lose those times where they would laugh uncontrollably because they were unsure whether to strangle each other or kiss one another. He wouldn’t have the bitter taste on his lips from her perfume when he would sneak up behind her as she cooked and he would wrap his arms around her and kiss her neck. He was unable to think of a bed that didn’t have her body in it, her body that he had dedicated to memory both inside and out. He would have none of this and he knew it was he who was to blame

If he could only change how she felt. Surely she would allow him to beg. To plead his case was unbecoming, but he had to try. He had to be sure she knew all he felt was still burning inside him. There was nothing he would not do for her and he had to prove it to her. But what could make up for the way he treated her or the man he had become? What grand gesture could he perform to prove his love to her once again? No act would be large enough. No piece of jewelry, no bouquet, no gift could come close. He would tell her exactly how he felt. He began to put his thoughts together in his mind when he saw her come thought the café door.

She walked towards him. She reached up to her face and removed her sunglasses. She seemed flustered and there was no smile upon her lips. She took off her coat and dismissed the waiter when he came to pull out her chair with a soft and almost indiscernible “thank you”. He knew then that every thought in his mind was about to come true right then. She sat in front of him and looked down at his cup of coffee that was still full. She hesitated to raise her head. She turned and looked out the same plate-glass window which he peered out of earlier. Every sentence he formulated in his mind struggled to come out. Then she began to speak and he no longer could even think.

“I have to tell you something….” She began to say somberly.

“I am so truly sorry” she continued as she looked into his eyes with a look of heartache.

Just then he was overtaken with emotion and quickly reached across the table and took her hands in his. She grew quiet as he set his eyes upon hers and a look of bewilderment came over her face. He looked at her as he did when they first met. He looked at her the way he should have every morning they were together. He forced the words to part his lips and he began to talk through a quivering voice.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all. It’s me that should be sorry. I’m the one who has failed you. I had forgotten what it meant to be your husband. I had forgotten all the promises I had made to you all those years ago when we were young so very much in love. Most important I have forgotten to show you how much I love you” he told her as he fought back the tears.

He rose out of his chair and knelt beside her, the same way he did in the park the day he asked her to marry him, and not once did he let her hands go and not once did he break away from her eyes.

“But I swear to you, that if you let me, I would do anything it takes to show you how much you mean to me and how much I truly love you. I will wake up every morning and regardless of my morning breath, I will kiss those perfect lips of yours. I will try to make the effort to learn to cook so you don’t have to pretend to like what I make on those rare occasions that I do cook. I will wake up early on Sundays and do the laundry with you like we used to do in our first apartment. I will remember that you like the way I look in gray when I go shopping for new clothes. I will make sure to make one part of each and every day special for you to remember and to have in your heart. I will remember to tell you how stunning you look every night when I come home and I myself am reminded of it when I walk through the door, and when I walk through that door I will remember that your day was just as hard as mine. I will become the biggest fan of your life and I will praise all the accomplishments you succeed in no matter how large or small. I will…” he continued saying until she interrupted.

“Stop” she said as she began to fight back the tears herself.

“Please, just stop. I was already feeling like the biggest jerk in the world and you had to make me feel worse” she said shaking her head as she smiled down at him. “I was so afraid you would be disappointed with me. I spent all morning running around the city and still didn’t accomplish what I wanted to. I came here with the intentions of saying I was sorry. Then you go and do this and you make me feel even worse. You’re a real ass, you know that” she said through a mix of a laugh and a cry.

“What could you possibly be sorry for my love?’ he asked her as he tried to make sense of all this in his mind.

“Our anniversary! I was certain you would have been hurt because I had forgotten and for not getting you anything. And then you go and prepare this wonderful, romantic and heart-felt speech for me” she said. “This is why I wanted to find the perfect anniversary gift for you. I wanted to get you something that showed you how much I love you” she told him as she reached for his face and placed her hand on his cheek.

“You have given me the best anniversary gift I could have ever asked for” he said smiling at her and reaching up to touch her hand that was on his face. “You have consistently been everything I could ask for over these years. There is nothing that I could have wanted more than that. Your love has been my everything and my salvation” he said softly as he pulled her hands to his chest.

She looked at him and after a long pause said “I love you. Everything I have ever done has been because I love you.”

He looked at her a bit more before he answered her and said “I love you more than you will ever know, but I promise you this… From this day forward I will do my best to show you just how much that is”.

He leaned over and kissed her and held her in the warmest and tightest embrace the two of them had ever shared. In his mind, this was the best anniversary he had ever forgotten.