Paths

As much as I love you and as much as I would want to, I can never walk your path for you.
But these things I can assure you.
When the path becomes dark and obscure and you’re not sure of your way, I will be there to shine a light.
When it’s cold and you are seemingly alone, I will be there to comfort and warm you.
When your path seems long and arduous, I will be there to help push you along.
When your path leads to a fork and you can no longer see which way to go, I will hold your hand and help guide you.
And when your path feels as if it has defeated you, I will be there to carry you to the end.
I cannot walk your path but I will always be by your side to help you make the journey.

She Cries

Those Different Days

There was a time in my life when I was different.
Maybe it was the world that was different or maybe I just perceived it a different way.
But none the less, it was different.
There were subtleties in the beauty of things.
Colors seemed to be more vivid and the sun was a brighter shade of warm.
The sounds in the streets seemed to echo melodically and the lights danced in the night sky.
But the people were different as well.
Creativity ran across canvass and paper like raindrops across glass.
The kindness that laid in gestures was more apparent and honesty flowed with less obstacles.
But things have changed or maybe I did.
Maybe I forgot to adapt or maybe I ended up adapting to well.
I find myself forgetting words that would easily come to me or not catching the beauty in a woman’s smile.
I find that I care a little less and distrust a little more.
I want to see the things and feel them the way I once did.
The way I did with the ignorance of innocence.
I miss those times and I miss what they meant and what they stood for.
But with days that pass, I feel I miss them less and what they meant and what they stood for slips away from us all.

I Want to Change

I’m not sure when the time will come when I actually believe myself when I say “I want to change.”
The truth is that it is not only easier to be who we already are, it’s also much more fun than being who we want to be.
People will find the excuses that will help them sleep at night being who they are.
I’m no different.
As much as I repulse and resent myself at times because of my actions, it’s easier living with the feeling of regret and remorse than it is to invest my time into being someone that I may like more but won’t have as much fun.

A Little Longer

There is no such thing as permanent or forever in life.
Everything and everyone are only temporary stops in our journey to death.
Sometimes we are fortunate enough to get off for awhile and stay a little longer at one of these stops.
We’re able to feel a little longer, smile a little longer, and perhaps love a little longer.
But we are also able to resent a little longer, suffer a little longer, and cry a little longer.
We have to remember that it’s all just temporary.
We have to remember to not get attached to something that will not remain.
Nothing is promised to anyone forever because it doesn’t exist.
Being able to accept that this life we have is just a journey to the inevitable is the first step in letting go and finally living life.

How Can You Truly Love….

How can you love someone that you truly do not know?

I ask you this because the love you have for me is bewildering.

You say you love me and I first doubted the words you would speak.

I had heard those words spoken by others but with no sentiments attached.

You continued to say them to me in spite of my affliction towards them and you.

I fought so hard to not let your words penetrate my heart and my soul.

I fought so hard to not believe or feel the tenderness in your actions.

How could you love me when you didn’t know me?

You had no idea as to the child I was or the man I had become.

You were clueless as to the dire childhood I had endured.

You were blind to the callus man that I had evolved into.

I desperately tried to ward off your attempts at knowing who I was.

I did this for the sake of you and for the sake of sparrng you.

It is a fool’s errand to attempt to love one uncapable of being loved.

Uncapable of returning the love that one so pure can afford.

But you continued to tell me both night and day.

And when your words were not enough, your actions spoke louder.

You reached into my chest and held my heart in your hands.

You spoke into my ear and let your voice reverberate in my brain.

You pulled me close and let your essence soak into my skin.

You did what you could to prove your love was real.

But still I ask how can you love someone you do not truly know?

Maybe it is I who does not truly know myself.

Maybe you have seen me for the man I hoped I could be.

The man I feared I could never achieve being.

A man capable of love and of being loved.

But how can I love you if I do not know myself?

How can I love love you if I cant love who I am?

You are far more deserving than to have this weight to bare.

You are what love would be if it took form on earth.

How can I love you if I truly do not know who I am?

I can only hope to know who I am by seeing myself through your eyes.

Through your eyes I will find the man I want to be and the one you need.

The man you love will be the man I will become.

Thank you for loving the man I never knew and the one you’ve grown to know.

This Side

Every one of us is born with two very distinct sides.

Each side is as different as day and night.

One side basks in the warmth of the light.

The other cowers in the frigidness of the dark.

There is one side that knows what the simplicity of joy is.

A side that feels the comfort and cordiality of a smile.

A side that knows fulfillment in what we have achieved.

A side that feels the passion of our lover’s touch.

A side that knows the delight of being with family.

This side of us knows the rewards of love and life.

We can flourish to be the person that we endeavor to be.

A kind and gentle person that lives a life endowed with fulfillment.

A person who obtains goals and makes dreams reality.

But there is another side to the person we are or can be.

There is a side that feverishly lashes out from fear.

A side of us that is madly bitter with jealousy and anger.

A side that is scarred from the tyrannies of self-loathing.

A side marred by hate, resentment, and solitude.

It is this side that makes the soul heavy and the body weak.

It is this side of our nature that causes us sorrow and anguish.

The side that holds on to vengeance and greed.

And the side that torments those who attempt to love us.

A heart full of self-pity would never have room for love.

It is within each one of us to be the person we choose to be.

Every one of us has both sides to choose from and to guide who we will be.

The side that we allow to win is the side that we choose to embrace.

The side that we hold near and nurture and the side that we feed.

Anything but Ourselves

In life, we find it easier to be what we are not.

Admitting what we really are is not always easy.

You have to admit that you have faults.

Admit that you have fears.

And admit that you have failed.

When we pretend to be anything other than what we are,

we are able to hide all our cracks and blemishes.

Hide our insecurities.

Hide our heartbreak’s.

Hide our pain.

Life allows us to be whatever we deem fit for the moment.

Anything we want to be, besides ourselves.

 

Reminded

Every once in awhile I’m reminded as to who I am.

I’m reminded of who I was and who I’ve become.

I’m reminded of the dreams I once had.

The dreams that never came true, and the ones ripped away and the holes they left behind.

Into the Sea

She stood on the sandy shore, digging her toes into the sand and gazing out over the glimmering water.

It was that point in the day where the sun hadn’t quite begun to set and the moon was peaking over her right shoulder.

The rays of sun trickled down onto the water and seemed to dance melodically along the surface for her.

The tide had begun to come in and the waves started to lick at her feet.

As she looked down, the corners of her mouth raised into an innocent and childlike smile.

She closed her eyes and was whisked away to a memory of a jovial time long ago.

It was a memory of a time when the world made sense to her, and a time when her heart was at peace.

She opened her eyes and started to walk into the water with a controlled eagerness.

She resisted the urge to run and jump head first into the crashing, white, foaming waves.

With each step, she went deeper into the sea and with each step the world behind her began to fade.

She held her hands out to the side and felt the glassy surface of the water along her hands and fingertips.

It was a sensation that was soothing and inviting to her.

She kept walking into the water until it had reached her chest.

She looked toward the vast openness and could see the sun begin to disappear behind the horizon.

She closed her eyes once more and with a deep breath, she gave herself to the ocean.

As soon as the water enveloped her, she could feel all her worries and sorrows drift away.

There were no more issues, no more judgments, no more disappointments, and no more fears.

A quite serenity took a hold of her like a child wrapped tightly in a warm blanket.

She waited right below the surface until the very last second that she could no longer hold her breath.

She broke the surface and took a heavy gasp of air and began to laugh as she wiped some water from her face.

She stayed there, wading in the water for what seemed to be hours.

She never grew tired and she never looked back toward the shore.

When the sun had completely set, she turned back toward the shore and began to swim inland.

With each stroke, she felt the water caress the lines of her body and she felt at one with it.

She could no longer tell where she ended and the water began, they were simply one.

Her feet felt the sandy bottom of the shore and she reluctantly made her way back to where she had stood earlier.

She stood there as the ocean breeze dried the beads of water on her bare skin.

As each drop disappeared, so did her feeling of content and tranquility.

As the last of the water dripped off of her and as the sun began to complete set, she felt a sadness come over her.

She knew the sadness would once again fade, but she knew she had to wait until she was once again one with the water.

Defined

The agonies of life are the poignant moments in which we define who we are.

These moments are cast upon us as fierce and devastating trials of life.

Each one feeling as a disaster or storm we must whether to prove who we are.

Each moment is different from the last but none the less agonizing than the next.

They bring with them a barrage of feelings and emotions created to test us.

The flames of tribulation crackle as they lick at your heels, scorching our souls.

The winds of distress howl as they riddle your mind with doubt and regret.

And the seas of torment drown your heart with sadness and remorse.

We will be defined by our actions and reactions to all that is hurled in our way.

The measure of who we are and who we’ll become will be the weight of our character.

The calm, trivial, and joyful moments are the ones in which we compose ourselves.

They serve as a brief respite to the harsh and relentless agonies brought on by life.

We sit and lick our wounds in bewilderment as to what we have just endured.

And then with the scars etched upon our skin and hearts we await the next storm.

Fear

As a child, the only fears he knew were those of  young children.

A fear of the dark because it could hide all things that went bump in the night.

A fear of walking through a crowd and losing a grip of his mother’s hand.

His fears were never lasted long and always seemed to disappear.

He was protected by the blanket of youth and innocence.

But the day came when the blanket would no longer be able to protect him.

The day came when the truth of the world was set upon him and infected hs life.

A child forced to face his greatest fears and to face them alone.

The reality of life held fears he could not have prepared for.

The darkest fears one could have were thrown at him fiercely.

He tried his best to overcome each and every fear that he encountered.

But there were fears that he could not escape and those grew into doubts.

The fears made him question his path in life and where it would take him.

The fears caused him to question himself above all else.

The fears and doubts began to whither away his courage and determination.

The fears dominated his life and caused sadness to breed.

And after years of facing his fears, he could no longer find the strength.

He searched and found the courage to face his last and greatest fear.

 

 

12,410

Lying alone he feels life’s hand caress his face. It strokes his cheek as to comfort and apologize for all it has done. He lays there feeling defeated and beaten down and cannot seem to muster the energy needed to lift his tired and weary body. There are no visible wounds or bruises, just a broken shell of a man that once existed. A man who, like so many men before him, had soared on the wings of dreams and had hung steadfast to the ropes of ambition. But like those men before him, he had come to realize that the wings he soared upon had always remained stationary and the thrill of flight had only been gusts of delusion. And the ropes he had clung too so tightly had been made of ash and had withered away many years ago. He rolls on his side toward the window and feels the heat of the sunlight on his face. It didn’t bare the same feeling as it once did long ago. The sun would come into his room and the warmth would echo in a new day. Everyday was once an opportunity for something more and every night the end of a chapter. Now the sun brought with it the realization that time waits and stands still for no one, and that each day, we grow closer to the end of our mortality. He sat in his bed and as he did every morning and he true hard to find a reason as to why he should even bother. He sought an answer and it didn’t come, but it didn’t surprise him. The answer never seemed to be apparent and he knew it never would be. He strangely was ok with that and had accepted it. He had accepted his life and what it was meant to be a very long time ago. He dressed himself and began his day. Another day to be added to the the 12,410 previous.

Consistency

He laid next to her, a familiar feeling began to cover him.

Still out of breathe, sweat on his brow, his mind began to race.

He could hear her begin to sob into her pillow.

He didn’t bother to ask what was wrong because he already knew.

He knew that as much joy as he brought her, he also brought equal pain and sorrow.

Pain and sorrow because she had finally found what she yearned for.

But what she had found seemed so close yet so unobtainable.

She whispered to him that he didn’t need to feel obligated to stay.

The truth was that he didn’t feel obligated.

He enjoyed being near her and craved it.

She calmed the hurricane that was his life.

She made things make sense that he never could.

Everything he ever questioned, he found the answers in her.

Yet he could not give himself fully.

He could not be what she wanted or needed and they both knew it.

They spent the moments they had together in a blind blissful dream.

He breathed deeply and tried to find the words, but they escaped him.

He laid there for a moment with a feeling of remorse and guilt.

Reminder because he knew what he was and he knew he had infected her life.

Guilt because he didn’t try and stop her from falling in love with him.

He thought he could simply leave that night and not look back as he had done so many times before.

But ultimately he knew he couldn’t.

He laid next to her, unsure of what to do.

He made his way out of the bed, put his clothes on, and walked to the door.

He hesitated for a second when he heard her ask him to call when he got to his place.

He wanted to lay back down with her, but he knew it wouldn’t solve anything.

The next night would come and she would want the same and he knew he couldn’t be there.

She wanted consistency.

As he walked out the door, he knew that she did have her consistency.

Because with him, the disappointment and heartache would always remain consistent.

A Love Story: Part II

To really appreciate the beauty of the story, you must really know and appreciate the two of them.

She was by far the greatest masterpiece God himself had ever created. The essence of the word “beautiful” had been captured in everything that was her. Her features were soft and yet precise. Each line and curve of her face seemed to have been drawn with the steady hand of an expert. Her eyes were captivating and piercing, and you could see flecks of mischief in a certain light. Her smile was welcoming and sincere, but the corners of her lips, you could see is where she hid her secrets. She had the body and form of a renowned ballerina; it was long, slender, and defined. And she moved equally as graceful to one. Each step she took and every movement was melodic. She moved as to a harmony or beat that only she could hear. She was delicate like a snowflake and just as unique. Her confidence and demeanor were intimidating to those of a lesser character; but she had this spirit to her that made her as vibrant and as affable as a young child. Her voice was soothing and unlike anything you had ever heard. To hear her speak was to know what it may be like to have a conversation with an angel. She had a personality that was easy to trust but would constantly keep you on your toes. The only thing sharper than her personality was her wit. Her determination and defiance was like that of a rose that had blossomed in the winter. She was living poetry and was the next great sonnet but no one had read her yet, and she was the lost painting by Di Vinci that had never been seen. Yet, for those who knew her, she was simply herself. She was a warm, sincere, genuine and affectionate person. The kind that one always knew would have an ear for listening. She would always have just the right words or none at all depending on the circumstance. She had also been blessed with the extraordinary virtue of patience. The people in her life regarded her for the fact she hadn’t fallen for the labels or ideals of society and the ramblings of television and media. Somehow this masterpiece had remained as pure as a ray of sunlight. She had remained untouched and unblemished by the cruel hands of reality. She was steadfast and relentless when it came to her beliefs and convictions. But she was not naive or simple in the sense of her smarts either. Her beauty and elegance were only rivaled by her intelligence. Her intellect was driven by her passion and constant thirst for the arts and sciences, a thirst that could not be quenched. She soaked up knowledge like a dry desert would soak up rain. She was fascinated by everything and was bored by nothing. She was a simple complexity. She found joy in when it rained and sadness in crowds. She was alive but needed to have life breathed into her. She was beautiful but was unaware of it. And she was whole but always felt empty.

Accomplished

 

As the lines of experience are etched into our faces by time,

We come to the realization we are but human and will expire.

Life has a way of showing us a glimpse of our potential,

But quickly gives us excuses as to why we cannot achieve it.

Excuses that is as creative as the minds that conceive them.

We blame all facets of our lives without taking responsibility.

Seeking reasons behind curtains that we have hung ourselves.

We seek the answers to “what if” instead of the “why not”.

We are blinded by doubts, by failure, and by simple fears.

Instead we should be motivated and empowered by them.

If we could only see that we are the reason that we fail.

If we can only accept that the obstacles are placed by us.

Yet we cannot and instead lead lives without meaning.

We cling to unobtainable dreams in a sea of desperation.

We live vicariously through the lives of those who achieve.

And when the finals lines of time and experience are etched,

We will look back and ask “What did we accomplish?”

Temporary

 

From the moment we are born, we know the meaning of temporary.

The unconditional love and the nurturing touch we first feel, only lasts the existence of the ones who give it to us.

The gift of innocence we are endowed with as children slowly seeps away through the cracks of the foundation of reality.

The safety and ritual of the walls of education only provide a brief shelter from what is yet to come.

The bonds one develops through life seem to fade through the years like a portrait faded by the sun.

The love that one may feel from the heart of another is like a flame burning bright but then ceases to do so when the air in their lungs can no longer fan the flame.

We are taught from the beginning that there is no such thing as forever, only a long time.

We are surrounded by purposeless events and ill-conceived notions that somehow they matter.

We are blinded by a vitality of the soul which is merely a side effect of a drug known as ignorance.

Temporary is the only permanent constant we have.

Broken

 

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be broken for that’s what people believe me to be.

They think of me as broken for I do not believe the things they do or view what they see.

I don’t wake up mornings to a prayer or chant I believe will propel me through the day.

I don’t filter words that come from my mouth, but I do put my thoughts in all I say.

There is no glass that is half empty or half full that I use as a guide for me to live by.

I merely see a glass with water that I can reach for when my throat or mouth are dry.

They think me broken because I keep only a few within the confines of my life.

But I’d rather have only a few I trust than those who hide motives sharp as a knife.

They say I live life with no purpose for I have no long-term plans, not a single one.

But to those who have this to say to me, I respond “tomorrow is promised to none”.

My life consists of complex simplicities that have happened and those yet to occur.

I live life in the moment and not in yesterday or tomorrow for they are an obscure blur.

I may not smile on sunny days, I may not enjoy nature as a whole, but I do know content.

I may see things a bit darker than most but it doesn’t mean all I know is contempt.

What I believe in and what my thoughts and actions are base upon is all that I feel.

All my thoughts and actions are based on what I find tangible and what I find to be real.

I can’t apologize if someone believes me to be broken because I feel that I am whole.

I can’t apologize for not being something I am not or for not playing a certain role.

All I can do is remain true to my convictions and continue to live how I choose.

And for those who deem me broken, it is they who in the end shall lose.

Unbeating Heart

 

Once there lived a man who had lived his life under that cold finger of self-doubt and the dark shroud of loneliness.

He fought so feverishly against what he knew would overcome every recess of his soul, his being, and his life.

A battle that he knew he would ultimately lose was fought reluctantly because he knew that his fait had already been written on the fabrics of time and space.

He had set forth on his journey of life with a vast arsenal of weapons. His unwavering defiance of trust, after all, what good is trust if it always comes to an end? And a lie was just another version of a story that was being told.

His fierce bravado, which gave him the mortar for the walls that were being fortified around his heart brick by brick, after all, a heart that beats for more than just life and is left open would and could never be of any use.

His gift of deflection which allowed him to let no feelings linger or now one person remain longer that was necessary.

He lived his life sun up to sun down by a certain code. One which allowed him to be the man he thought he should be. One which lead him on a path forged by his own iniquities and self loathing.

The day came when this path lead him to a place he never imagined existed. A place where the warmth of the sun penetrated every fiber of his soul. A place where the suffocating stench of his own sins and malevolent acts were drawn back like curtains welcoming in the new dawn.

He found a place where he could breather under water, see in the darkest of holes, feel when there was nothing around but tranquility, and smell the bloom of day before winter has ceased.

This place had cast the shadows this man had placed before himself into the abyss and with them everything they had held as the truth.

He felt the bricks come crashing down with an immense weight.

He clutched his chest with both hands unsure of what he feeling. He had never felt such a sensation and it was foreign to him. He began to sob. Tears began to stream down his cheeks like raindrops off the pedals of a flower.

The man looked up and cried aloud “Why allow me to feel neither all these things if I know longer have the heart to feel them with nor the love to return them”.

Then it happened…

The man raised his head once more and this time was greeted by the warm touch of a woman. She looked down at him with a look that was of confusion and understanding at the same time. A look that was both approving and of dismay at once. A look that was accepting yet yearned for more to understand.

She reached down and placed her hand on his cheek and said “The tears you shed are the love you have always possessed”.

She knelt in front of him, joining him on the ground. She looked upon him as her equal. She did not remain standing above him, because she was no greater than he. She looked him in the eyes so he would know she was not beneath him.

With her hand still upon his cheek, she took her other hand and placed it upon his chest. She closed her eyes and a look of concentration overcame her face. Then the corners of her mouth began to lift as a smile came over her. She opened her eyes to meet his.

She looked at him and said “Place your hand on mine” and he did. Then she asked “do you feel this’?

He looked at her with puzzled face and said “yes, I do… But what is it?”

“It’s your heart… and its beating. It never stopped beating, it just forgot how to beat hard enough for what you want and deserve and for what it need”.

The man had forgotten he had a heart capable of beating so strongly until the path he was on brought him to this woman who came along and touched it.

In His Mind

 

He sat in the wicker chair staring out the large plate-glass window into the busy street. He drummed on the white linen covered café table with his left hand as he rested his chin on his right. His mind filled with thoughts as he sat there oblivious to the world around him. He kept asking himself “What on earth could she possibly want to say that was this urgent”? In his mind he could only come up with one logical reason, and that was she was planning to leave him. That had to be it. It was the only thing that made sense to him. As he continued to think, he came to the conclusion that if she was leaving him, it would have been entirely his fault. After all, he couldn’t blame her for his actions or lack thereof.

She had called him that morning at his office and with a sense of anguish and sadness she asked if he would meet her at the Italian deli across from his work. She told him that she knew how busy he was but that she needed to see him and it was terribly important. She rarely disrupted his day at work and even then, most times she waited until he would get home. The sadness and pensive tone in her voice had left him unsettled and must have been because this would be difficult for her. He was certain that’s what it was. He was certain in his mind that she had made up hers.

As his mind continued to race, so did his pulse. He felt light-headed and a bit disconnected. His hands grew cold and he could feel beads of sweat starting to form on his brow. He tried to swallow and couldn’t. He could feel the sentiments inside him becoming overwhelming and his eyes became difficult to see through from the tears forming. He felt regret and remorse more than anything because he knew in his mind that he could have prevented this. He could have stopped this long before it began.

He had never mistreated her in any way. But he knew he couldn’t say in his heart that he hadn’t taken her for granted or hadn’t treated her like the woman she deserved to be treated as; and this in itself was just as bad of a form of mistreatment. It wasn’t her fault in the slightest. Somewhere between that day on the train when they first met and now, this very moment, he had changed. He had become someone different. Maybe a shadow of his former self. Something had changed in him and he was aware of it. He was under the false impression that he was doing this all for them, their future, and their dreams. But in that instant he knew he was wrong, and he sat there replaying every single time in his mind that he could have done things differently. Every single time that one simple gesture could have shown her all that he felt and wanted to say to her.

All it would have taken was a simple act from him. All he had to do was lift his head from his work when she would walk into the study to ask if he needed anything so she could see the love and appreciation in his eyes as he said “No thank you”. He could have told her how lovely she looked in each new outfit that she would wear, because it was true. Only she could make everything seem elegant and refined. When they walked into a restaurant, he could have put his hand on her back to show how proud he was to be there with such a magnificent creature. So every man there could see that he was the one fortunate enough to be with her. He could have left notes with his feelings written upon them in places she would be sure to find them. Such as on the windowsill where she would place her wedding ring, on the only occasion she would take it off; or by her brush on her vanity where she would sit and do her hair while staring at him with a smile in the mirror as he dressed.  But he hadn’t, and it wasn’t for lack of time or ideas. He simply had no excuse, no excuse at all.

Of course it could have been grander reasons behind her wanting to leave him. Maybe if he had converted the extra room into a studio for her to work in as she had asked many years ago, she would have seen how much he valued her and how much we loved her work. Perhaps he could have taken her back to that café in Paris where they went on their honeymoon. The café where when the check came he looked at her and said “Someday… Someday I will bring you back here and you’ll be able to have whatever you want and we won’t have to worry about how much it costs”. That day had come so long ago, but the return trip never did. He had forgotten all those vows and promises he had made to her; to love her, show her and remind her. To build her dreams and fulfill her hearts wishes. In his mind and heart he knew he had failed her.

There was no reasoning inside his mind. She was right to do what he knew she would. Just then, in a matter of seconds, his life with her flashed before him. But what was unbearable was the thought of what his life was before her and what it would be without her. He was unfinished when he met her. She had been the missing piece in his puzzle and had filled more than just a void. She had given him reason. She had become his greatest inspiration and most valued treasure. She had been his strength when any man would have been weak and defeated. She had given him the best of her and in return she had never wanted anything, just his love. Now he faced a future without her. A future that couldn’t even come to pass without her.

What kind of future would it be? He couldn’t see a day when he wouldn’t wake up and reach for a coffee mug and see her lipstick stains on the rim. He couldn’t begin to imagine those times when he would wake in the middle of the night and gaze at her under the light of the moon, thinking to himself that she was what God intended angels to be. He didn’t want to lose those times where they would laugh uncontrollably because they were unsure whether to strangle each other or kiss one another. He wouldn’t have the bitter taste on his lips from her perfume when he would sneak up behind her as she cooked and he would wrap his arms around her and kiss her neck. He was unable to think of a bed that didn’t have her body in it, her body that he had dedicated to memory both inside and out. He would have none of this and he knew it was he who was to blame

If he could only change how she felt. Surely she would allow him to beg. To plead his case was unbecoming, but he had to try. He had to be sure she knew all he felt was still burning inside him. There was nothing he would not do for her and he had to prove it to her. But what could make up for the way he treated her or the man he had become? What grand gesture could he perform to prove his love to her once again? No act would be large enough. No piece of jewelry, no bouquet, no gift could come close. He would tell her exactly how he felt. He began to put his thoughts together in his mind when he saw her come thought the café door.

She walked towards him. She reached up to her face and removed her sunglasses. She seemed flustered and there was no smile upon her lips. She took off her coat and dismissed the waiter when he came to pull out her chair with a soft and almost indiscernible “thank you”. He knew then that every thought in his mind was about to come true right then. She sat in front of him and looked down at his cup of coffee that was still full. She hesitated to raise her head. She turned and looked out the same plate-glass window which he peered out of earlier. Every sentence he formulated in his mind struggled to come out. Then she began to speak and he no longer could even think.

“I have to tell you something….” She began to say somberly.

“I am so truly sorry” she continued as she looked into his eyes with a look of heartache.

Just then he was overtaken with emotion and quickly reached across the table and took her hands in his. She grew quiet as he set his eyes upon hers and a look of bewilderment came over her face. He looked at her as he did when they first met. He looked at her the way he should have every morning they were together. He forced the words to part his lips and he began to talk through a quivering voice.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all. It’s me that should be sorry. I’m the one who has failed you. I had forgotten what it meant to be your husband. I had forgotten all the promises I had made to you all those years ago when we were young so very much in love. Most important I have forgotten to show you how much I love you” he told her as he fought back the tears.

He rose out of his chair and knelt beside her, the same way he did in the park the day he asked her to marry him, and not once did he let her hands go and not once did he break away from her eyes.

“But I swear to you, that if you let me, I would do anything it takes to show you how much you mean to me and how much I truly love you. I will wake up every morning and regardless of my morning breath, I will kiss those perfect lips of yours. I will try to make the effort to learn to cook so you don’t have to pretend to like what I make on those rare occasions that I do cook. I will wake up early on Sundays and do the laundry with you like we used to do in our first apartment. I will remember that you like the way I look in gray when I go shopping for new clothes. I will make sure to make one part of each and every day special for you to remember and to have in your heart. I will remember to tell you how stunning you look every night when I come home and I myself am reminded of it when I walk through the door, and when I walk through that door I will remember that your day was just as hard as mine. I will become the biggest fan of your life and I will praise all the accomplishments you succeed in no matter how large or small. I will…” he continued saying until she interrupted.

“Stop” she said as she began to fight back the tears herself.

“Please, just stop. I was already feeling like the biggest jerk in the world and you had to make me feel worse” she said shaking her head as she smiled down at him. “I was so afraid you would be disappointed with me. I spent all morning running around the city and still didn’t accomplish what I wanted to. I came here with the intentions of saying I was sorry. Then you go and do this and you make me feel even worse. You’re a real ass, you know that” she said through a mix of a laugh and a cry.

“What could you possibly be sorry for my love?’ he asked her as he tried to make sense of all this in his mind.

“Our anniversary! I was certain you would have been hurt because I had forgotten and for not getting you anything. And then you go and prepare this wonderful, romantic and heart-felt speech for me” she said. “This is why I wanted to find the perfect anniversary gift for you. I wanted to get you something that showed you how much I love you” she told him as she reached for his face and placed her hand on his cheek.

“You have given me the best anniversary gift I could have ever asked for” he said smiling at her and reaching up to touch her hand that was on his face. “You have consistently been everything I could ask for over these years. There is nothing that I could have wanted more than that. Your love has been my everything and my salvation” he said softly as he pulled her hands to his chest.

She looked at him and after a long pause said “I love you. Everything I have ever done has been because I love you.”

He looked at her a bit more before he answered her and said “I love you more than you will ever know, but I promise you this… From this day forward I will do my best to show you just how much that is”.

He leaned over and kissed her and held her in the warmest and tightest embrace the two of them had ever shared. In his mind, this was the best anniversary he had ever forgotten.

Footprints

 

We all leave footprints along the paths we set upon in life.

We look back upon those footprints and reflect on the travels that have led us to where we are today.

What we are unaware of though, is that we do not leave just one set, but several sets of footprints.

Each set of footprints unique onto themselves as we are unique as individuals.

Each set of footprints we leave behind reflects one of our many characters.

One footprint for our family to follow, one set for our children, one for our lovers and so on.

One cannot expect our lives to be viewed in the same manner by everyone witness to it.

There is no possible way for people to perceive us in the same fashion or way.

Everyone’s perception of us is an individual and discernible view of who they think we are.

Perhaps the footprints start out as one set and come together at the end of our path.

But somewhere along the path we split off into different directions of the same life.

Maybe it was a lie we told someone, a secret we keep from a friend or just a moment that we are embarrassed about.

Whatever the cause or reason, it splits our character into another piece of who we are.

Do not be ashamed of any footprints you have left behind in the path you walk upon.

Embrace them for they are who you have become and have led you to where you are.

Be proud of them for they will speak the tale of your life and the person you were.

Never try to hide or sweep away those footprints because you would be deleting a facet of yourself.

Learn from them by looking back upon them and remembering where you were and how you got there.

Manage the people in your life by remembering what set they will follow and seek.

From this you will see that in the end those footprints will once again join.

And when they do, you will have come to your journey and paths end.

But not too far behind will be those who followed your footprints and will continue to follow you.