Fear

As a child, the only fears he knew were those of  young children.

A fear of the dark because it could hide all things that went bump in the night.

A fear of walking through a crowd and losing a grip of his mother’s hand.

His fears were never lasted long and always seemed to disappear.

He was protected by the blanket of youth and innocence.

But the day came when the blanket would no longer be able to protect him.

The day came when the truth of the world was set upon him and infected hs life.

A child forced to face his greatest fears and to face them alone.

The reality of life held fears he could not have prepared for.

The darkest fears one could have were thrown at him fiercely.

He tried his best to overcome each and every fear that he encountered.

But there were fears that he could not escape and those grew into doubts.

The fears made him question his path in life and where it would take him.

The fears caused him to question himself above all else.

The fears and doubts began to whither away his courage and determination.

The fears dominated his life and caused sadness to breed.

And after years of facing his fears, he could no longer find the strength.

He searched and found the courage to face his last and greatest fear.

 

 

12,410

Lying alone he feels life’s hand caress his face. It strokes his cheek as to comfort and apologize for all it has done. He lays there feeling defeated and beaten down and cannot seem to muster the energy needed to lift his tired and weary body. There are no visible wounds or bruises, just a broken shell of a man that once existed. A man who, like so many men before him, had soared on the wings of dreams and had hung steadfast to the ropes of ambition. But like those men before him, he had come to realize that the wings he soared upon had always remained stationary and the thrill of flight had only been gusts of delusion. And the ropes he had clung too so tightly had been made of ash and had withered away many years ago. He rolls on his side toward the window and feels the heat of the sunlight on his face. It didn’t bare the same feeling as it once did long ago. The sun would come into his room and the warmth would echo in a new day. Everyday was once an opportunity for something more and every night the end of a chapter. Now the sun brought with it the realization that time waits and stands still for no one, and that each day, we grow closer to the end of our mortality. He sat in his bed and as he did every morning and he true hard to find a reason as to why he should even bother. He sought an answer and it didn’t come, but it didn’t surprise him. The answer never seemed to be apparent and he knew it never would be. He strangely was ok with that and had accepted it. He had accepted his life and what it was meant to be a very long time ago. He dressed himself and began his day. Another day to be added to the the 12,410 previous.

Consistency

He laid next to her, a familiar feeling began to cover him.

Still out of breathe, sweat on his brow, his mind began to race.

He could hear her begin to sob into her pillow.

He didn’t bother to ask what was wrong because he already knew.

He knew that as much joy as he brought her, he also brought equal pain and sorrow.

Pain and sorrow because she had finally found what she yearned for.

But what she had found seemed so close yet so unobtainable.

She whispered to him that he didn’t need to feel obligated to stay.

The truth was that he didn’t feel obligated.

He enjoyed being near her and craved it.

She calmed the hurricane that was his life.

She made things make sense that he never could.

Everything he ever questioned, he found the answers in her.

Yet he could not give himself fully.

He could not be what she wanted or needed and they both knew it.

They spent the moments they had together in a blind blissful dream.

He breathed deeply and tried to find the words, but they escaped him.

He laid there for a moment with a feeling of remorse and guilt.

Reminder because he knew what he was and he knew he had infected her life.

Guilt because he didn’t try and stop her from falling in love with him.

He thought he could simply leave that night and not look back as he had done so many times before.

But ultimately he knew he couldn’t.

He laid next to her, unsure of what to do.

He made his way out of the bed, put his clothes on, and walked to the door.

He hesitated for a second when he heard her ask him to call when he got to his place.

He wanted to lay back down with her, but he knew it wouldn’t solve anything.

The next night would come and she would want the same and he knew he couldn’t be there.

She wanted consistency.

As he walked out the door, he knew that she did have her consistency.

Because with him, the disappointment and heartache would always remain consistent.