I know

I know sometimes it feels like the world’s spinning out of control and that everything you know is just slipping away.
I know that at times it gets to be more than anyone should ever be asked to handle no matter how strong they seem.
I know that once in a while you want to throw your hands up in the air and say fuck it and just give up.
I know these things because I know you.
I know that as strong as you are, you still can’t do it all.
I know that you won’t ever admit it either, but it’s true.
You can’t take it all on because no one can.
I know that you smile half the time even when you don’t want to because you know people smile when you smile.
I know that even in your darkest days you still find that one tiny bit of sunlight to brighten everything up.
I know that you’re happiest when it rains and those grey skies are your escape.
But I also know that you breakdown when no one is watching and when no on can hear you cry.
I know that you’ll never say that you “can’t” and that you’ll never admit that you “couldn’t”.
But it’s ok because I’ll always keep your secrets.
I know that your heart bleeds for those your love and it sheds tears for those you can’t help.
I know that you you don’t realize how truly amazing you are.
I know that you hate compliments because you don’t feel you deserve them and that when you tell someone they’re beautiful that you mean it.
I know all this about you because I love you.
I know I love you because I know I couldn’t live without the good and the bad parts about you.
I know all of you and I know I love you.

Hold My Hand

Hold my hand one last time.
Hold it because I’m asking and I’ve never asked anything of you.
Hold it because I’m scared.
I’m scared of losing you.
Hold it because I need to feel you.
I need to feel that you’re not gone.
Hold my hand so I can be near you.
I need to be close enough to be inside you.
Hold it because I can’t do anything with out you.
I need you to inspire me and motivate me.
Hold my hand so I can caress the back of your hand with my thumb.
Hold my hand so I can connect with you in more ways than one.
Hold my hand so that you know at times I’m lost and need you to find me.
Hold my hand so that yours will be in mine.
Hold my hand so I can be there to help steady you when you might fall.
Hold my hand so I can protect you when you’re frightened.
Hold my hand and be next to me as my partner.
Hold my hand so I can say all the things my words and voice cannot say.
Hold my hand and love me and let me hold yours and love you even more.

Moments gone

Yet another one has proven that perhaps there is no such thing as Mr. Right.
It all began as a fairy tail and somehow ended with a messy fight.
It’s 2:00 a.m. and you find yourself crying and needing a friend.
Always finding yourself in this situation time and time again.
Lust and misconceived notions of what love could be left you blind.
The truth of what he was and what he wanted twisted your mind.
The answers you always search for at times like this are closer than you know.
You just have to shut your thoughts down and let your spirit flow.
Life has a way to bring you what you need at moments like this.
It comes out of nowhere, swoops into your life, and leaves your soul with a kiss.
Just trust what you know to be true and to be real.
Trust in yourself always and trust what you want to feel.
There is never an ending to times of despair.
There’s only beginnings of memories that are meant for you to share.
Don’t waste your tears because each drop shed is a regret you had.
Don’t think twice and question decisions made whether they were good or bad.
Look forward to where you want to be and where you know you will go.
Stop looking behind you and stop moving so slow.
Life won’t wait forever for you to catch on.
Chase after the moments before its too late and they are gone.

Should Have

As always, I sit here after the fact and think of what I should have done differently.
I think about what I should have said and what I should have done to keep you here with me.
This time is different.
This time thing things I should have done and the chances I had are all gone.
This time you won’t come back and I know this and it kills me.
This time no flowers with a card that reads “I’m sorry, please forgive me” will do.
Because what I should have done was bought you flowers before you left.
I should have bought you a flower shop or your own garden so you could see my love grow like the flowers that would bloom.
I should have stopped you from walking out the door.
I should should have thrown myself in front of that door and shown you that I’d stop the tides and time itself to be with you.
I let you walk away so easily that night.
I should have held on to you like I was holding on to my last breath because that’s what it feels like now.
I shouldn’t have given up so easily and taken you for granted.
I should have fought the fight of my life and gone 10 rounds with the devil himself for you, but the bell rang and I threw in the towel.
I didn’t speak the words that you yearned to hear that would have kept you by my side.
I should have memorized the dictionary to find the perfect words to tell you all that you mean to me and to write the love letters you deserved to read.
I shouldn’t have let my pride or my ego make me too proud to beg or to say I was sorry.
I should have thrown myself at your knees like a child or a man with nothing left to lose because I lost everything I had and everything that I am when you left.
I can sit here and tell you all that I should have done but you’re gone and all I have left are some fading memories, an empty bottle, and a list of things I should have done.

She Cries

A Little Longer

There is no such thing as permanent or forever in life.
Everything and everyone are only temporary stops in our journey to death.
Sometimes we are fortunate enough to get off for awhile and stay a little longer at one of these stops.
We’re able to feel a little longer, smile a little longer, and perhaps love a little longer.
But we are also able to resent a little longer, suffer a little longer, and cry a little longer.
We have to remember that it’s all just temporary.
We have to remember to not get attached to something that will not remain.
Nothing is promised to anyone forever because it doesn’t exist.
Being able to accept that this life we have is just a journey to the inevitable is the first step in letting go and finally living life.

How Can You Truly Love….

How can you love someone that you truly do not know?

I ask you this because the love you have for me is bewildering.

You say you love me and I first doubted the words you would speak.

I had heard those words spoken by others but with no sentiments attached.

You continued to say them to me in spite of my affliction towards them and you.

I fought so hard to not let your words penetrate my heart and my soul.

I fought so hard to not believe or feel the tenderness in your actions.

How could you love me when you didn’t know me?

You had no idea as to the child I was or the man I had become.

You were clueless as to the dire childhood I had endured.

You were blind to the callus man that I had evolved into.

I desperately tried to ward off your attempts at knowing who I was.

I did this for the sake of you and for the sake of sparrng you.

It is a fool’s errand to attempt to love one uncapable of being loved.

Uncapable of returning the love that one so pure can afford.

But you continued to tell me both night and day.

And when your words were not enough, your actions spoke louder.

You reached into my chest and held my heart in your hands.

You spoke into my ear and let your voice reverberate in my brain.

You pulled me close and let your essence soak into my skin.

You did what you could to prove your love was real.

But still I ask how can you love someone you do not truly know?

Maybe it is I who does not truly know myself.

Maybe you have seen me for the man I hoped I could be.

The man I feared I could never achieve being.

A man capable of love and of being loved.

But how can I love you if I do not know myself?

How can I love love you if I cant love who I am?

You are far more deserving than to have this weight to bare.

You are what love would be if it took form on earth.

How can I love you if I truly do not know who I am?

I can only hope to know who I am by seeing myself through your eyes.

Through your eyes I will find the man I want to be and the one you need.

The man you love will be the man I will become.

Thank you for loving the man I never knew and the one you’ve grown to know.

Her Beauty

I sat there swirling my whiskey around the tumbler. The ice slowly melted away as I pretended to be interested in all she was saying. I had been in this moment so many times before. So many times before I smiled and pretended to hear every word they would say. The reality is that I’d look up from my glass and something about each one of them would catch my attention. A smile that would come over her as she became nervous. Maybe a curl of hair that would fall across her brow. A slight curve in her body as she adjusted herself in her seat or crinkle near her nose as she laughed at something less than humorous I’d say. I’d fall in love with that beauty. The evening would persist on and I’d find myself contemplating the inevitable. But this time was different. It didn’t happen the way it usually did. She took the glass out of my hand and placed it on the bar. She looked at me with and with a corner of her mouth slightly raised she said “I know you’re not here with me. I mean you’re here with me but you’re not here with me. That’s ok. I get it. But no matter what you believe, it’s not your heart that’s broken. It’s everything else about you. Your hearts just fine.” That’s when I saw her beauty and that’s when I fell in love. When I fell into that insane, drunk, profound love that punches you in the chest. And that’s when I knew I’d regret everything I would put her through.

Into the Sea

She stood on the sandy shore, digging her toes into the sand and gazing out over the glimmering water.

It was that point in the day where the sun hadn’t quite begun to set and the moon was peaking over her right shoulder.

The rays of sun trickled down onto the water and seemed to dance melodically along the surface for her.

The tide had begun to come in and the waves started to lick at her feet.

As she looked down, the corners of her mouth raised into an innocent and childlike smile.

She closed her eyes and was whisked away to a memory of a jovial time long ago.

It was a memory of a time when the world made sense to her, and a time when her heart was at peace.

She opened her eyes and started to walk into the water with a controlled eagerness.

She resisted the urge to run and jump head first into the crashing, white, foaming waves.

With each step, she went deeper into the sea and with each step the world behind her began to fade.

She held her hands out to the side and felt the glassy surface of the water along her hands and fingertips.

It was a sensation that was soothing and inviting to her.

She kept walking into the water until it had reached her chest.

She looked toward the vast openness and could see the sun begin to disappear behind the horizon.

She closed her eyes once more and with a deep breath, she gave herself to the ocean.

As soon as the water enveloped her, she could feel all her worries and sorrows drift away.

There were no more issues, no more judgments, no more disappointments, and no more fears.

A quite serenity took a hold of her like a child wrapped tightly in a warm blanket.

She waited right below the surface until the very last second that she could no longer hold her breath.

She broke the surface and took a heavy gasp of air and began to laugh as she wiped some water from her face.

She stayed there, wading in the water for what seemed to be hours.

She never grew tired and she never looked back toward the shore.

When the sun had completely set, she turned back toward the shore and began to swim inland.

With each stroke, she felt the water caress the lines of her body and she felt at one with it.

She could no longer tell where she ended and the water began, they were simply one.

Her feet felt the sandy bottom of the shore and she reluctantly made her way back to where she had stood earlier.

She stood there as the ocean breeze dried the beads of water on her bare skin.

As each drop disappeared, so did her feeling of content and tranquility.

As the last of the water dripped off of her and as the sun began to complete set, she felt a sadness come over her.

She knew the sadness would once again fade, but she knew she had to wait until she was once again one with the water.

Fear

As a child, the only fears he knew were those of  young children.

A fear of the dark because it could hide all things that went bump in the night.

A fear of walking through a crowd and losing a grip of his mother’s hand.

His fears were never lasted long and always seemed to disappear.

He was protected by the blanket of youth and innocence.

But the day came when the blanket would no longer be able to protect him.

The day came when the truth of the world was set upon him and infected hs life.

A child forced to face his greatest fears and to face them alone.

The reality of life held fears he could not have prepared for.

The darkest fears one could have were thrown at him fiercely.

He tried his best to overcome each and every fear that he encountered.

But there were fears that he could not escape and those grew into doubts.

The fears made him question his path in life and where it would take him.

The fears caused him to question himself above all else.

The fears and doubts began to whither away his courage and determination.

The fears dominated his life and caused sadness to breed.

And after years of facing his fears, he could no longer find the strength.

He searched and found the courage to face his last and greatest fear.