Scream

I stand here, yelling and screaming.
My face flushed with anger and hate.
I scream “I fucking hate you!” as tears run down my face.
I can’t stand to look at you but I can’t ever leave you.
I scream “You’re always ruining my life! You ruin everything!”
All you do is look at me with no words of your own.
I want to punch, kick, slap and beat you.
I want to tear myself away from you and all that you are.
Your lies, your deceit, your fears, your self-loathing, your torment and your judgement, all of it.
They all come with heavy prices that I have to pay and I have paid in blood.
I scream at you “I wish you would just fucking die!”
And you still have nothing to say.
I want to see that there’s feeling in your eyes and not just a cold and wmotionaless stare.
I want you to acknowledge that I exist and that what I want and feel matters.
I turn back to you once more and scream “Please just stop! Just stop being who you are and just fucking try! For me! For us!”
But you will never change.
You will never stop being you.
You will never stop doing the things you do.
I will never stop hating you.
I will never be free of you.
I reach out to you and you reach back.
Our hands touch, separated by the cool thin glass.
I hold my head down and whisper one more time “I hate you” as I turn away from the mirror and turn off the lights.

Thinking

Thinking of you.
Thinking of mistakes.
Thinking of words not said.
Thinking of actions not taken.
Thinking of what I did.
Thinking of what I didn’t do.
Thinking of love.
Thinking of hate.
Thinking you were mine.
Thinking I was wrong.
Thinking of it all.
Thinking of you

A place called reality

There are times in your life when you can no longer hide what you are.
No amount of lies can cover your sins and you are left open to the world. Open to it’s ridicule and to it’s unforgiving judgmental satire.
You can’t hide in the darkness because your self loathing shines a light upon your soul like a beacon calling out to the masses.
All you can do is try and bury yourself under a mountain of debauchery and a sea of regret.
You smile a smile that cracks at the corners like old stage makeup that has grown brittle.
You hold your head up but you still drown in the sewage of your words.
Nothing you do can cover up the tears in the fabric you’ve used to shroud who you really are.
You continue on with a hope that no one notices, but they all do.
When it’s all said and done you return to your blissful lie and wait until the next onset of self-questioning occurs and you take the walk through this place called reality once more.

Won’t stop

I find myself losing ground in this battle I call my life.
I feel like I lose 10 steps for every 3 I take.
It seems nothing I do will last or make a difference.
My hands bloodied from clawing away and trying to make headway.
My thighs on fire from pushing forward with the weight of regret and remorse heavy on my shoulders.
I feel beaten and tired and I just want to give up and at times I do.
At times I just throw in the towel and look for the nearest exit.
I check out and let myself go towards a place I’ll be free.
I just give up but something brings me back.
It’s not her and it’s not you and it’s definitely not life but something more.
It’s not love and it’s not ego or greed.
I wish it were those things because then it would make sense.
But it doesn’t make sense at all.
I just keep on as if I need to and as if I know no other way.
I push harder and fight longer and suffer more.
All for what?
I still have no idea but I’ll keep on and I’ll keep going until I reach the end or figure the reason as to why I won’t stop.