Won’t stop

I find myself losing ground in this battle I call my life.
I feel like I lose 10 steps for every 3 I take.
It seems nothing I do will last or make a difference.
My hands bloodied from clawing away and trying to make headway.
My thighs on fire from pushing forward with the weight of regret and remorse heavy on my shoulders.
I feel beaten and tired and I just want to give up and at times I do.
At times I just throw in the towel and look for the nearest exit.
I check out and let myself go towards a place I’ll be free.
I just give up but something brings me back.
It’s not her and it’s not you and it’s definitely not life but something more.
It’s not love and it’s not ego or greed.
I wish it were those things because then it would make sense.
But it doesn’t make sense at all.
I just keep on as if I need to and as if I know no other way.
I push harder and fight longer and suffer more.
All for what?
I still have no idea but I’ll keep on and I’ll keep going until I reach the end or figure the reason as to why I won’t stop.

I Want to Change

I’m not sure when the time will come when I actually believe myself when I say “I want to change.”
The truth is that it is not only easier to be who we already are, it’s also much more fun than being who we want to be.
People will find the excuses that will help them sleep at night being who they are.
I’m no different.
As much as I repulse and resent myself at times because of my actions, it’s easier living with the feeling of regret and remorse than it is to invest my time into being someone that I may like more but won’t have as much fun.