A Chance at Misery

I can never know what tomorrow brings or if I’ll be here to enjoy it.
All I know is that tomorrow is a dream to me and all that a dream is are goals you cannot reach.
I try so hard to be the man that I want to be.
But I do so in vain because I know this will never come to pass.
It’s a curse really.
Wanting to be something you will never be.
A curse because no matter how hard you try, it ends in misery.
Misery because I failed.
Misery because I lost.
I lost the battle for my soul and for my humanity.
I lost this fight a long time ago but every so often I try to make believe I still have a chance.
A chance at an ordinary existence.
A chance at love.
A chance at hope.
At chance at life.
But the reality of it all is that I was not meant to love.
I was not made to hope.
And I was made to not live a full life.
I was made to hurt.
I was made to bleed.
And I was made to suffer.
And suffer I will from now until my dying day.

I miss myself

I find myself missing myself more and more lately.
I miss the subtle things but I also miss the blatantly obvious.
I miss the mornings where I’d wake with a purpose.
I’d wake with the feeling that I would enjoy the day more than I did the last.
I miss the days that were lived with passion.
The days that were as perfect as any artists masterpiece.
I miss the smile on my face that reminded me of my childhood.
The smile that was full of giddiness and mischief.
I miss the feeling of being whole.
The feeling of knowing I no longer was wanting, but felt deserving.
I miss the evenings where I prayed for time to stay still.
I’d pray for time to stay still because the moment was perfect.
I miss knowing what happiness is.
Knowing what it’s like to be happy and wanting it last forever.
I miss thinking that I had a reason and a purpose.
A reason to live and a purpose other than to hurt.
I miss the comfort of warmth and the certainty of tomorrow.
I miss a lot of things about myself.
But the one thing I miss most about me is you.