Dreams

I find myself longing for sleep.
I long for it because in my dreams is where we are never apart.
Where our love is never separate and I’m free to love you how I want.
In my dreams I can give you the world that you deserve.
In my dreams I can be the man you need me to be.
With my eyes closed, I see you for who you truly are.
I see every gentle flaw and every perfection which to me is absolutely perfect.
I see your desires and I see your dreams and I see the person within the beauty.
In my dreams, time stands still as I hold you until our hearts beat as one.
In my dreams I feel you until I’m in every one of the corners of your mind.
In my dreams you I am yours and you are mine.
I long for sleep because in my dreams is where you exist.

Should Have

As always, I sit here after the fact and think of what I should have done differently.
I think about what I should have said and what I should have done to keep you here with me.
This time is different.
This time thing things I should have done and the chances I had are all gone.
This time you won’t come back and I know this and it kills me.
This time no flowers with a card that reads “I’m sorry, please forgive me” will do.
Because what I should have done was bought you flowers before you left.
I should have bought you a flower shop or your own garden so you could see my love grow like the flowers that would bloom.
I should have stopped you from walking out the door.
I should should have thrown myself in front of that door and shown you that I’d stop the tides and time itself to be with you.
I let you walk away so easily that night.
I should have held on to you like I was holding on to my last breath because that’s what it feels like now.
I shouldn’t have given up so easily and taken you for granted.
I should have fought the fight of my life and gone 10 rounds with the devil himself for you, but the bell rang and I threw in the towel.
I didn’t speak the words that you yearned to hear that would have kept you by my side.
I should have memorized the dictionary to find the perfect words to tell you all that you mean to me and to write the love letters you deserved to read.
I shouldn’t have let my pride or my ego make me too proud to beg or to say I was sorry.
I should have thrown myself at your knees like a child or a man with nothing left to lose because I lost everything I had and everything that I am when you left.
I can sit here and tell you all that I should have done but you’re gone and all I have left are some fading memories, an empty bottle, and a list of things I should have done.

She Cries

Tonight I Lay Alone

Tonight I lay alone but it doesn’t mean I’m in the presence of loneliness.
You’re with me…
Inside me…
Near me…
I cannot touch you but I feel you.
I close my eyes and anxiously wait for sleep because when I wake up it will be one day closer to being with you.

With You

Please know what I do is not the fault of you but the effect of what I’ve become.
The fault of someone who I no longer recognize nor care to know.
A person fueled by misguided delusions of what he thought he should be.
Blinded by the darkness of uncertainty, I let myself falter from being the man I should have been.
I lacked the courage to find myself and continued to melt away in the flames of adversity.
I found it easier to hide my fears and my insecurities behind a facade of wit and cynical charm rather than face them and embrace them as my faults.
I became content in knowing that I would be liked by many but I would be loved by few.
Being liked for what I pretended to be was more tolerable than being loved for what I could never live up to.
And now once again I find myself letting go to what I so desperately should fighting for.
I know which actions I should take and the words my lips should part to say.
I know what you need of me and I know what I should be for you.
But I find myself lacking the strength to act or the breathe to speak the words.
I find myself lacking the emotion to give you the man who can love you and more importantly the man you deserve.
With you I lose yet another piece of my soul and a chance at my salvation.
With you I cut one more string to my heart and an opportunity to change my bleak future.
With you… I simply cannot be.

I miss myself

I find myself missing myself more and more lately.
I miss the subtle things but I also miss the blatantly obvious.
I miss the mornings where I’d wake with a purpose.
I’d wake with the feeling that I would enjoy the day more than I did the last.
I miss the days that were lived with passion.
The days that were as perfect as any artists masterpiece.
I miss the smile on my face that reminded me of my childhood.
The smile that was full of giddiness and mischief.
I miss the feeling of being whole.
The feeling of knowing I no longer was wanting, but felt deserving.
I miss the evenings where I prayed for time to stay still.
I’d pray for time to stay still because the moment was perfect.
I miss knowing what happiness is.
Knowing what it’s like to be happy and wanting it last forever.
I miss thinking that I had a reason and a purpose.
A reason to live and a purpose other than to hurt.
I miss the comfort of warmth and the certainty of tomorrow.
I miss a lot of things about myself.
But the one thing I miss most about me is you.