A Chance at Misery

I can never know what tomorrow brings or if I’ll be here to enjoy it.
All I know is that tomorrow is a dream to me and all that a dream is are goals you cannot reach.
I try so hard to be the man that I want to be.
But I do so in vain because I know this will never come to pass.
It’s a curse really.
Wanting to be something you will never be.
A curse because no matter how hard you try, it ends in misery.
Misery because I failed.
Misery because I lost.
I lost the battle for my soul and for my humanity.
I lost this fight a long time ago but every so often I try to make believe I still have a chance.
A chance at an ordinary existence.
A chance at love.
A chance at hope.
At chance at life.
But the reality of it all is that I was not meant to love.
I was not made to hope.
And I was made to not live a full life.
I was made to hurt.
I was made to bleed.
And I was made to suffer.
And suffer I will from now until my dying day.

The End

The realization is that the end is always closer than what we want.
There’s never enough time to do what we want.
Never enough words to say how we feel.
Never enough minutes in the day.
In the end, what we are is how we lived out lives.
We aren’t memories, because memories fade.
We are the actions we choose to carry out.
It’s these actions that will echo after we are gone.

Fear

As a child, the only fears he knew were those of  young children.

A fear of the dark because it could hide all things that went bump in the night.

A fear of walking through a crowd and losing a grip of his mother’s hand.

His fears were never lasted long and always seemed to disappear.

He was protected by the blanket of youth and innocence.

But the day came when the blanket would no longer be able to protect him.

The day came when the truth of the world was set upon him and infected hs life.

A child forced to face his greatest fears and to face them alone.

The reality of life held fears he could not have prepared for.

The darkest fears one could have were thrown at him fiercely.

He tried his best to overcome each and every fear that he encountered.

But there were fears that he could not escape and those grew into doubts.

The fears made him question his path in life and where it would take him.

The fears caused him to question himself above all else.

The fears and doubts began to whither away his courage and determination.

The fears dominated his life and caused sadness to breed.

And after years of facing his fears, he could no longer find the strength.

He searched and found the courage to face his last and greatest fear.

 

 

Would you?

 If the sun rose tomorrow and with it, I did not, would you and your heart weep?

Would you search the earth for me? Would your hands have the strength to dig deep?

If the winds blew but did not carry with them my words to you through the skies,

Would you grow wings to search from above, having the courage to never close your eyes?

If the words I once wrote to you, seemed to have lost their meaning or their rhyme,

Would your heart know it was all enough, the simple measure of time?

If I were to leave on life’s final journey, which would be my ending trial,

Would you walk along side me, hand in hand, in comfort along the final mile?

Could you say to yourself that the love you felt was fully expressed and truly shown?

Would you believe I felt your touch, words and love to the very end in each single bone?

Would you know in your being that you did all that you could do from start to end?

Or would you question yourself and ask if you had lived up to the task of being my friend?