A heart that is whole

I find myself broken once again.
I know I was never truly but I felt whole when I was near you.
You managed to polish the scratches and mend the tears of my worn and tattered soul.
Knowing that the imperfections were still there, you accepted me.
You looked passed the blemishes and passed the cracks and saw deeper into me that anyone else had.
You weren’t scared away by what you saw and you didn’t feel pity for the man I was.
You only felt love.
You felt a love that I had never known before.
A love that made me feel that I was undeserving.
I felt as if I was not deserving of something so eloquent and pure.
But you persisted with your devotion and your sincerity.
I began to believe you and see myself through your eyes.
I saw passed my indiscretions and my sins.
I saw passed the facade of the masks that I adorned for the public.
I saw a man that was stripped down to his essential soul and I saw the love you had for him.
But the vision of this man was just an illusion and this illusion was far greater than the reality and truth.
I couldn’t be the man that you wanted and the man than you saw but only the man that I had always been.
I could never be fixed or mended or put back together.
This puzzle known as me is missing far to many pieces to ever be whole.
As much as I wanted you to be the piece, I realize now that I was tainting your world.
I infected your life with the darkness that plagues mine and for that I could never forgive myself.
I can always forgive my actions but I could never forgive them hurting you.
I give you my last broken piece of my heart in hopes that you can join it to yours and have it finally be a part of a heart that is truly whole.

Tired

I’m tired.
I’m tired of always being let down because I expect more than I should.
I’m tired of people not living up to my expectations.
I’m tired of always trying to convince people that they are better than they are.
I’m tired of being everyone’s excuse for misbehaving.
I’m tired of the bullshit that people makeup when the truth scares them.
I’m tired of making connections that are as strong as tissue.
I’m tired of making plans that no one holds to.
I’m tired of meeting people who disappear after a couple of weeks.
I’m tired of people using me to do what they really want to do.
I’m tired of having to be something I’m not just to make the smile.
I’m just tired.

Happy

It’s been so long that I honestly can’t remember the last time I was happy.
I can’t say that I even remember what it feels like anymore.
I just remember that being happy was what I was supposed to be.
There were no worries or disappointments.
I didn’t know heartache or sorrow, let alone could I spell them.
It seems like a dream when I think back to a time that I was happy.
A dream that seems to fade with each waking minute.
And no matter how hard I try to grasp this dream and hold onto it, it just slips through my fingers like sand.
I want to remember what it was like to be that happy boy.
I want more than anything to smile and mean it.
I wish I knew what I had to do to get back to that place.
But it seems like that place is miles away and every step I take towards it, I’m pushed back two steps.
It’s not much to ask and it’s not much to want.
Maybe I’m being greedy in wanting to be happy.
Maybe I’m just not meant to be.
But all know is that I want to be happy once more.

Condition

I’ve shed a tear for each one that I’ve hurt.
Maybe not an actual tear shed from my eye but a tear from my heart that left with a piece of my soul.
But she was different.
No tear could represent what she meant to me.
No amount of what’s left of my soul could come close to the measure of her essence.
She was the last chance I had at being the man she knew I could be.
And I, of course, managed to love her the only way I know how.
Sadly, the only way I know how to love is to love conditionally.
Conditions that I cannot control.
Conditions that I know not where they came from.
Conditions that I don’t understand.
She in turn loved me whole heartedly, devotedly and unconditionally.
In the end, my conditional love tainted her heart.
I cannot blame anyone but myself and have no one to fault for my own condition.

Don’t Hurt Me

Your body collapses on to mine.
Weak, out of breathe, and used.
I can feel your heart pounding against your breast.
You fight hard to catch your breathe.
I can feel the weight of your body on mine.
You are so light and delicate and insignificant.
You blindly put your hand to my mouth and put your fingers to my lips.
Between your breathes you say “I love the way you fuck me.”
I lay there kissing the tips of your fingers.
You look up slightly and replace your fingers with your lips.
I can taste the bitter saltiness of our sweat.
You look into my eyes, then at my lips, then back at my eyes again and say “You already had my body but now you have my heart. Don’t hurt me.”
I look back at you and reply “I already have. You just haven’t felt it yet.”

Be You

Fuck what you know and create your own reality.

Let Me Be THE One

How lucky would I be if you would let me be the one.
Let me be the one to prove that we’re not all the same.
Let me be the one to give you the “happily ever after.”
Let me be the one who helps you dream when you’re awake.
Let me be the one that makes love to you with more than just my body.
Let me be the one that isn’t perfect but will try hard to be perfect for you.
Let me be the one that doesn’t have all the answer but will make you smile when you’re sad.
Let me be the one who knows all your hopes along with your fears.
Let me be the one who’s proud to walk you into a room.
Let me be the one that’ll hold a door open when we’re 75.
Let me be the one that tells you you’re beautiful at 7:00 a.m.
Let me be the ones who loves you for your imperfections.
Let me be the one that thinks you look sexy in my sweats.
Let me be the one who listens when I know I won’t understand.
Let me be the one who’ll take you by the hand even when you’re not scared.
Let me be the one who’s been waiting for someone like you.

Just Whisper My Name

Sitting here awhile.
Thinking of your smile.
Missing your touch.
Missing you so much.
Wanting to be near.
Wanting you my dear.
Just whisper my name.
You know I’ll do the same
Needing to be yours.
Needing you more and more.
Having you in my heart.
Having you never part.
Longing for your kiss.
Longing for all I miss.
Just whisper my name.
You know I’ll do the same.
Come back to me fast.
Come back and make it last.
Lets make love one more time.
Lets make love till words don’t rhyme.
Our bodies need to be one.
Our love will never be done.
Just whisper my name.
You know I’ll do the same.

Hold My Hand

Hold my hand one last time.
Hold it because I’m asking and I’ve never asked anything of you.
Hold it because I’m scared.
I’m scared of losing you.
Hold it because I need to feel you.
I need to feel that you’re not gone.
Hold my hand so I can be near you.
I need to be close enough to be inside you.
Hold it because I can’t do anything with out you.
I need you to inspire me and motivate me.
Hold my hand so I can caress the back of your hand with my thumb.
Hold my hand so I can connect with you in more ways than one.
Hold my hand so that you know at times I’m lost and need you to find me.
Hold my hand so that yours will be in mine.
Hold my hand so I can be there to help steady you when you might fall.
Hold my hand so I can protect you when you’re frightened.
Hold my hand and be next to me as my partner.
Hold my hand so I can say all the things my words and voice cannot say.
Hold my hand and love me and let me hold yours and love you even more.

The Storm

It is not the storm that we fear.
It is the aftermath of what remains.
The devastation and carnage left behind.
The worst of storms are the ones that no one else ever sees.
The ones that happen in our hearts and in our minds.
The ones that seem to last an eternity.
Ripping away at our confidence and tearing apart our hopes and dreams.
Leaving behind just a shadow of who we were.
Caused by love, fear, doubt, or hate.
These storms manage to wreck the foundation of what we believe.
But as with any storm, what is left behind is in the eye of the individual.
We can look around and see the debris of our lives scattered about.
We can fall to our knees and clutch the pieces to out chest and weep.
Or we can look up to a sky no longer filled with darkness and despair.
We can look to a sky of clarity and promise.
Those who will suffer through more storms in fear will be the ones who weep and those who defy the next storm and take the relentless beating with a smile are the ones who will turn to the sky.