Why do I do these things?

She sits on the windowsill and watches the raindrops dance across the night sky.
The moon shines bright for her but offers her no warmth.
She closes her eyes and takes a drag off of the cigarette pressed between her lips.
Holding it in, she almost forgets to exhale and with a sigh she releases the the smoke from her lungs.
She looks towards the stars that can be seen between the parting clouds and shakes her head.
She flicks the half smoked cigarette down into the street and continues to stare out into the night.
The rain keeps falling and beats rhythmically against the window.
She puts her hand against the glass and follows along as the drops cascade down the other side.
At the same time tears begin to cascade down her cheek.
“Who do I do this?” She asks herself.
“Why do I always do the same damn things?”
She keeps asking herself the same questions over and over again hoping the answer would be made known to her.
She hangs her head down into her lap and starts to sob.
She has no idea as to why she does what she does.
She just knows that for awhile, while she does them, it makes sense and she’s able to forget.
She forgets the pain.
She forgets the hole.
She forgets the lies.
She forgets the fear.
She forgets it all.
But she knows that the moment soon comes when she’s flooded with the reality and she can no longer forget.
She cries and feels her hands ball into fists.
She beats against her knees and thighs and screams out “I hate you. I hate you so fucking much!”
She collapses to the floor and like a hurt and lost child she brings her knees to her chest and weeps helplessly.
She cries out “Please… Please just make it stop. I want it to stop! Why can’t I make it just stop?”
She cannot stop the tears or the cries and it keeps on for what seems to be hours.
The rain subsides outside and she pulls herself off the floor and up onto the sill.
She looks out the window and wipes away the rest of tears.
She stands up and gains her composure and walks towards her bedroom.
She sees him lying in her bed.
His cologne still staining the air.
She smiles because he’s gorgeous in the moonlight and he was hers in that moment.
He was there when she needed him most and for that she was grateful.
She gently rubs his foot and he opens his eyes and looks up at her half awake.
“Hey beautiful” he tells her.
“The rain stopped. It’s time for you to go” she tells him as she walks towards the bathroom.
“So soon?” He asks her.
“Yup. So soon” she says as she turns and smiles and closes the door to the bathroom.
“Can I at least know your name?” He asks as he pulls his pants on.
“No” she says through the door.

She Cries