Want

Why do we want when we know we can never truly have?We endure the pain of wanting because we hold on to the hopes of having.

We long for something that is not obtainable and something that possibly isn’t real.

We choose to have a dream of what could be instead of living in a reality without. 

We choose to chase an illusion because the fact we stand still is something we refuse to see.

Our wants drive us insane and we embrace the chaos that they perpetuate. 

And deep down we love the chaos and the insanity that infects us because it makes us feel alive.

We continue justify wanting because the agony of letting go of the want is too much to bare.

Or maybe we know that in order to have what we want, we must face what we lack. 

Tell me

Tell me why you love me and tell me why I should believe you.
Tell me with a breathe and tell me with out hesitation.
Tell me all the things that you love and all the things you’ll learn to love.
Tell me when you fell for me and when you knew you couldn’t live without me.
Tell me all my flaws that you’ve managed to love when no one else has.
Tell me the mistakes that I’ve made that have made you love me more.
Tell me how many times you’ve said you loved me and how many times I’ve said it back.
Tell me the secrets that you’ve found out but have loved me in spite of.
Tell me when I fell in love with you and when I knew I couldn’t live without you.
Tell me me more than just the words and that is when I’ll know it to be true.

Cold

It had been so long since she had felt the warmth of his touch.
She couldn’t even recall the last time she had felt the security of his embrace or the reassurance of his smile.
The passion of his kiss had now turned into a distant and fleeting memory and the fire of the lust they shared had extinguished and all that was left were the ashes.
Even though she woke up to him every morning and laid next to him every night, there was nothing left of what they were.
All there was now was a void and a chill because there is nothing colder than the touch of a stranger after the love has gone.

Scream

I stand here, yelling and screaming.
My face flushed with anger and hate.
I scream “I fucking hate you!” as tears run down my face.
I can’t stand to look at you but I can’t ever leave you.
I scream “You’re always ruining my life! You ruin everything!”
All you do is look at me with no words of your own.
I want to punch, kick, slap and beat you.
I want to tear myself away from you and all that you are.
Your lies, your deceit, your fears, your self-loathing, your torment and your judgement, all of it.
They all come with heavy prices that I have to pay and I have paid in blood.
I scream at you “I wish you would just fucking die!”
And you still have nothing to say.
I want to see that there’s feeling in your eyes and not just a cold and wmotionaless stare.
I want you to acknowledge that I exist and that what I want and feel matters.
I turn back to you once more and scream “Please just stop! Just stop being who you are and just fucking try! For me! For us!”
But you will never change.
You will never stop being you.
You will never stop doing the things you do.
I will never stop hating you.
I will never be free of you.
I reach out to you and you reach back.
Our hands touch, separated by the cool thin glass.
I hold my head down and whisper one more time “I hate you” as I turn away from the mirror and turn off the lights.

Distance

We have been taught that distance is simply a way to measure the space between two things.
A space that can circumference the globe or a space that is as tiny as the tip of a needle.
But how can you measure the distance between two hearts that crave to be near one another?
There is no distance that can be measured when the hearts grow hungry for the one it desires.
Whether it’s in the room next to you, the state on the other side of the continent or a heart that is no longer among us, the distance is agonizing and painful.
The physical distance isn’t what makes us hurt or long.
It’s not the fact that we can’t see them or touch them when we want.
The pain is a piece of us dwindling away because we don’t feel whole.
A pain because we know where we belong and where they need to be.
Whether it’s a job, a vacation, an unforeseen circumstance or the mere fact that maybe they are unaware of our affection, it doesn’t lessen the anguish.
Distance isn’t just the measure of how far apart you are from someone, it’s the measure of how far you’ll go to be with them.

Reach

If I could reach out and grab your hand now, I don’t know if I could ever let go.
If I could reach you with my words, I’m not sure if I’d have the words to say what I couldn’t then.
If I could reach out and touch your heart, I’d try and mend the wounds that I caused.
If I could I could just reach you, I swear I wouldn’t leave again.

Thank You

How can I begin to thank you when all I did was hurt you.
My words found a home in your heart and my actions scarred the same heart as well.
You came to me like a drunken vision of what love was supposed to be.
You kissed the bruises and mended the tears that covered my soul.
You held my hand and when I pulled away you held on tighter.
I tried to warn you and tell you I was no good.
But you smiled and said that I was a bad boy but a good man.
You accepted my faults and made me see that I had more to give than just my words.
You made me see that I had lost a part of myself and through your eyes I could find it.
I fought like a boxer in the final round of his career.
I fought so hard to not be the me I always am but the me that you deserve.
I tried so many times to tell you what I knew you shouldn’t hear.
My words were muted by my actions and all you asked was for me to talk to you.
“Talk to me” echoes like the screeching sound of tires.
Maybe if I had found the words then those words would have stopped my actions.
Because no matter how I tried to be what you need I always remained what you could live without.
All that’s left are faded memories.
Shadows of what could have been and ashes of what was.
My words weren’t enough and my actions were too much.
I can’t begin to thank you for what you did because I’m too busy being sorry for what I did.

Appreciate

It is in those times that I am not with you that I appreciate you the most.
It’s when a smile escapes my lips that I appreciate how the corners of my mouth turn up uncontrollably when I see you.
It’s when the world has turned off its lights that I appreciate the spark that your touch gives off.
And when I’m cold and alone is when I appreciate the warmth of your kiss and the comfort of your words.
It’s when others fail to understand what I mean that I appreciate your patience and your understanding.
And it is when I can’t find anything to love about myself that I truly appreciate what you see and love in me.
I appreciate you more when you’re not around but if I appreciated you while you were near maybe you would never leave my side.

Near You

I have an insatiable need to be near you.
A need so strong that being inside you would not be enough.
I need to breathe in the thoughts that escape with each one of your breathes.
I need to hear the the air moving around your lashes as you blink.
I want to taste your lips and feel each minute crevasse against mine.
I have to be close to you so I can smell each strand of hair.
I need to be near you because nowhere else will do.

A heart that is whole

I find myself broken once again.
I know I was never truly but I felt whole when I was near you.
You managed to polish the scratches and mend the tears of my worn and tattered soul.
Knowing that the imperfections were still there, you accepted me.
You looked passed the blemishes and passed the cracks and saw deeper into me that anyone else had.
You weren’t scared away by what you saw and you didn’t feel pity for the man I was.
You only felt love.
You felt a love that I had never known before.
A love that made me feel that I was undeserving.
I felt as if I was not deserving of something so eloquent and pure.
But you persisted with your devotion and your sincerity.
I began to believe you and see myself through your eyes.
I saw passed my indiscretions and my sins.
I saw passed the facade of the masks that I adorned for the public.
I saw a man that was stripped down to his essential soul and I saw the love you had for him.
But the vision of this man was just an illusion and this illusion was far greater than the reality and truth.
I couldn’t be the man that you wanted and the man than you saw but only the man that I had always been.
I could never be fixed or mended or put back together.
This puzzle known as me is missing far to many pieces to ever be whole.
As much as I wanted you to be the piece, I realize now that I was tainting your world.
I infected your life with the darkness that plagues mine and for that I could never forgive myself.
I can always forgive my actions but I could never forgive them hurting you.
I give you my last broken piece of my heart in hopes that you can join it to yours and have it finally be a part of a heart that is truly whole.

Just Whisper My Name

Sitting here awhile.
Thinking of your smile.
Missing your touch.
Missing you so much.
Wanting to be near.
Wanting you my dear.
Just whisper my name.
You know I’ll do the same
Needing to be yours.
Needing you more and more.
Having you in my heart.
Having you never part.
Longing for your kiss.
Longing for all I miss.
Just whisper my name.
You know I’ll do the same.
Come back to me fast.
Come back and make it last.
Lets make love one more time.
Lets make love till words don’t rhyme.
Our bodies need to be one.
Our love will never be done.
Just whisper my name.
You know I’ll do the same.

Mine

There’s a beauty in this world that was meant to be admired from a distance.
A beauty that was never meant to be hung on walls or housed in a museum.
A beauty that was meant to be free and untamed and left alone.
She possessed such a beauty.
A vibrant and and unique beauty that was subtle yet commanded attention.
I yearned for her, lusted after her, and attempted to make her mine.
But she was not created to be had or to be obtained.
As free as the air we breathe and as precious, she was meant to never be kept.
She was never meant to be anyone’s possession or anyone’s private stock.
She was meant to be adored by the masses and loved from behind an invisible wall.
Her beauty could not last in confinement because it could not shine without the sun.
I learned this well and accepted it for what it was.
But yet I still called her mine although I knew she would never be.

Our Song

Tonight we danced like we danced so many years ago.
We stood on the dance floor and as the music played and we danced, I could feel a distance between us.
I held your body close to mine but it was your heart that was far.
We moved to the music as if we were on auto-pilot and drifted to the rhythm like lost ships in the night.
The song began to fade and as we pulled apart and as we did we both had half felt smiles across our faces.
As we started to head off the floor an old familiar tune began to play over the speakers.
You kept walking inattentive to the melodic call of the song.
I reached out for your hand and when I touched it I felt a spark and my heart began to race.
It raced the way it did the night we met and your fingers grazed my arm.
You stopped and turned towards me and with a puzzled look stared at me.
I smiled at you the way I did the first night we kissed in front of the coffee shop.
I drew you closer and you still couldn’t hear the song.
You began to speak and say something about being tired.
I put my finger to your lips, pointed up, and pulled you closer.
You looked at me and your eyes brightened and you smiled and as you came closer I could smell your hair and your perfume.
It smelled as lovely as it did the first time we danced together so many years ago to this very song.
I held you so close afraid that if I let go you’d vanish or this would have all just been a dream.
You pretended to let me lead but we both knew you were always the better dancer.
With every step we took tonight I relieved a day in our lives.
I forgot a step or two and along the way I forgot the moment when we fell in love.
We both forgot that moment.
The moment when we both knew that our dance would last forever because the music our hearts made was all we would ever need.
We swayed to the melody and at one point we both began to whisper the lyrics.
I lifted your head of my chest and as we both mouthed the words of the song I wiped away a tear from your eye.
I wiped away this tear because I was a fool to not wipe away the others.
I was a fool to not notice when you shed them and I was a fool to not notice you.
You kept looking at me and instead of mouthing the lyrics you mouthed the words “I’m sorry.”
You weren’t sorry for what you had done but for what you hadn’t done.
You weren’t sorry for what you had said but sorry for what you hadn’t said.
And you weren’t sorry for not loving me but for not showing me as frequently as you should have.
Once again I put my fingers to your lips, pointed up, and and pulled you closer.
We danced for what seemed like an eternity but was only a few short minutes.
But in those few short minutes we danced our way back into being in love.
We danced to our song and when our song was over we kept dancing.
We kept dancing to the music that our hearts made because that’s all we ever needed but had forgotten to dance to.

Tonight I Lay Alone

Tonight I lay alone but it doesn’t mean I’m in the presence of loneliness.
You’re with me…
Inside me…
Near me…
I cannot touch you but I feel you.
I close my eyes and anxiously wait for sleep because when I wake up it will be one day closer to being with you.

Last September

I felt something today that I hadn’t felt in years.
It was a feeling of content and joy and not one followed by tears.
A sentiment that echoed through my soul.
A memory I had paid to forget with an incredible toll.
I felt my knees grow weak and my palms begin to sweat.
My pulse began to quicken and my brow became wet.
I couldn’t walk, talk, let alone move a hair.
I was stopped in my tacks and all I could do was stare.
There you stood as lovely as I could remember.
You looked as as lovely as you did our last September.
You passed right by me as I stood to the side.
The smell of your hair still reminiscent of the ocean tide.
I wanted to reach out and say all the things I never said.
I wanted to tell you that my life wasn’t the same and my heart was dead.
But once again I thought to what could be a future between you and I.
I thought of what I would give up if I would let you walk by.
And once again I decided it was for the best.
I decided again to let you go like all the rest.

One Night

He sits and misses her unable to stop thinking of her.
He tries to occupy his time with his writing or a book.
But nothing seems to help get his mind off of her.
Maybe it’s because more now than ever she is inside of him.
Inside of him more so than any other has been.
If at all possible, she has found her way into his soul.
A fool’s errand is what that used to be thought of.
How could someone make their way to a place that didn’t exist?
Yet she managed to do so, with no instruction or direction.
He throws on the sweater he wore the last time they met just so he can smell her.
He walks to the coffee shop and orders her favorite drink so he can taste her.
He watches her favorite movie so he can hear her laugh.
He writes her story to give words to her beauty.
He misses her and he’s not sure why.
All he knows is that it’s only been one night.

Time

 Only moments have passed since our lips last parted.

Yet it feels as if a life time has passed between those agonizing moments.

I began missing you before we had even spoken our good byes.

I find myself losing count between the seconds from the minute I last gazed upon you

and the seconds I count until my gaze is captivated upon you once more.

Time bares no weight when the time I am measuring is the time without you.

The hands tick and beat louder than a drum as I stare at the clock on the wall.

I can no longer tell my heartbeat apart from the incessant ticking of the hands.

Each second becomes an hour and each hour drags on to be a week.

I lose all grasp of where things begin and where they come to an end.

I navigate the cracks in time in hopes to find a quicker way to you but to no avail.

I struggle to move to you as quickly as a light illuminating a dark hall.

I raise my thumb out in hopes to catch a ride on a ray of sunlight that may carry me to you.

I close my eyes in hopes that sleep will ease the suffering of time.

Yet nothing soothes the burn of the time when longing for you.